I received the following e-mail earlier today from a friend of long standing. (For now, that is.). My snarky comments are in boldface green.
Don’t tell me your age; you’d probably lie anyway-but the Hershey Man will know!
Maybe I would, and maybe I wouldn’t, and who the H-E-Double Hockey Sticks cares what the “Hershey Man” knows? And who is the “Hershey Man?”
This is pretty neat.
Neat? Neat? And “pretty neat” at that? This doesn’t come even close to being neat. I have spared you from the ridiculous form – with multiple fonts and colors – that this communication came in. Suffice it to say, it was not “neat.” Besides that, it came loaded with all sorts of photos of enticing chocolate treats! How cruel could one be? Perhaps she is jealous of my recent miraculous weight loss? Ah hah! Now I get it! For your safety, I eliminated those photos.
DON’T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
What a stupid directive! What person with any brain would not scroll down after being told that?
It takes less than a minute …
Sure it does! If you scrolled down – which of course you did – you will know that for all you math idiots – like me – this will take way longer than a minute.
Work this out as you read …
What does she expect? That I’ll work it out as I sleep?
Be sure you don’t read the bottom until you’ve worked it out!
We’ve already covered this, haven’t we?
This is not one of those waste of time things, it’s fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more
than once but less than 10)
Good grief! Of course it would be more than once! But who on earth does not want chocolate more than 9 times a week? Who doesn’t want it more than 9 times a day, let alone a week?
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
Why is that bold? Sounds rather limited to me!
3. Add 5
No, absolutely not – that’s enough of that! I’m done with the math!
4. Multiply it by 50 — I’ll wait while you get the calculator
Yeah, RIGHT! If I won’t multiply by 2 or add 5, what makes her think I will multiply by 50? I mean, really! 50 for Heaven’s sake! Therefore, I don’t need a calculator.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1760 .. If you haven’t, add 1759…
Isn’t that prejudicial? What does it matter if you’ve had your birthday yet or not? Perhaps you have chosen not to have one at all? And if you can’t choose both, some of us will definitely be left out. Also, I thought the “Hershey Man” knew your birthday already anyway! But I give in (for argument’s sake only) – we’ll say my birth year is 2050.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
That’s an egregious assumption! Why do I have to be born in a 4-digit year? I won’t even admit to a 3-digit weight , let alone a 4-digit year! (Except if there’s an argument.)
You should have a three digit number.
Says who? How would they know, really – unless they know the results of my calculations in advance! Hmmm…I smell a rat.
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? We’ll see about that! And does she really think we’re so stupid as to not know what our original number was?
The next two numbers are YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
Indeed, YES, it is!!!!! Interestingly enough, they got this one right – although I fail to see how! (See my answers below.)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2010) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE
At least she gives us fair warning! Wait out the rest of this year, and then you won’t have to do this test at all!
1. I’ll be conservative and say 375.
2. 750 – OK, so I multiplied by 2 (did I get it right?)
4. I repeat, NIX!
6. So I get a negative number . . .-1300!
This test is wrong, wrong, wrong! -1300 is no 3-digit number!
I thought I wasn’t supposed to like chocolate less than 2 times a week! But negative 1? No way, José!
So I’m 30 – Well, here they got it right! Even a stopped clock is right twice a day (and this test succeeds only once!).
This whole thing ends by retitling it “The Chocolate Calculator.” She needs to make up her mind! Besides, if it IS a calculator, why would you need one for #4?
I have now come to the end of the snark. Apparently, I, too, know when enough is enough. . .