With love, from me to you. . .

The following is a thank you note I received from my good friend Linda.  You all remember her – she’s the one that taught me about “Chocolate Math.” Believe it or not, we are still friends (or so she tells me, but she also sent me this thank-you note, so – you decide!).  In any event, after reading various blog-posts of the new year, I have discovered a recurrent theme: EDUCATIONAL AND INFORMATIVE, EYE-OPENING E-MAIL FORWARDS ARE CRAMMING EVERYBODY’S IN-BOXES!!  And really, aren’t you always appreciative?  That someone actually took the time to research those vital statistics and sit down and compose the message that could SAVE YOUR LIFE!!!! Or – better yet – the LIFE OF YOUR UNBORN GRANDCHILDREN!!!!

Yes, my dear Gentle Readers, 2010 was a banner year for vital information.  And so that 2011 will get off to a great start and keep us all ahead of the game, I herewith present you with the following (with a few choice comments in red from me):

As we progress through the year 2011, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. (I have to blame somebody.)

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel. (And if you come to my house, I suggest you worry about the bacteria on the glass, too!)

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. (But isn’t that the stuff of dreams, anyway?)

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose. (Hmmm.. . anybody have a tissue?)

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. (Sorry – I can’t even begin to imagine!)

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom. (Why not?  From what I’ve observed, the purse is probably cleaner than her hands!)

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing. (Except that I also found out about the germs on a wet sponge!)

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. (But don’t use a wet sponge to do it!)

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. (Hey, Nancy! It’s all your fault – because she didn’t get that $1 she needed by December 31!)

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. (If they don’t come through, I still have the Nigerian Prince who is sending me some money for helping him out of a jam!)

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s Novena has granted my every wish. (Well, not my every wish!  I still get e-mail spam.)

I can’t have a drink in a bar because I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. (But thanks to St. Theresa, I will wake up!)

I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers. (But I never eat those parts anyway, so what’s the diff?)

I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day. (I now use non-cancer-causing deodorants, so I only smell like a water buffalo on an ordinary day.)

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes. (And hold a paper bag full of feathers over my head and squawk like a chicken!)

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains. (I don’t have any left after using it to clean my toilets.)

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up. (Although I’ve found recently that my blow-up doll works just as well.)

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. (I’ve started using it again, actually, because they found out it’s the microwaves that cause the cancers.)

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life. (At least now I know how it happened.)

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. (You can still go to the movies.  Just don’t sit down.)

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me. (At least the robbers are kind enough to drug me first.)

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica ,Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan . (Yes!  And don’t we all do everything we are told by people we don’t know who call us on the phone?  Hello! Caller ID, anyone?)

I no longer buy cookies from Woolies since I now have their recipe. (I personally didn’t know that sheep sold cookies, but it’s good to know I can get the recipe!)

THANKS TO YOU I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt. (And going in the bushes outside makes me safer from snakes?)

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can’t ever pick up $2.00 coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over. (If someone would kindly point out to me a $2.00 coin – wherever it is – I guarantee I’ll bend over to pick it up, sex molester or not!  That would be some rare coin!)

I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off. (Wait!  It was a Violin Spider!  The orthopedic surgeon who screwed up my hand said something like that, but I didn’t believe him!)

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician .. (And her name is Estelle.)

P. S.: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
(It’s not water splashing that worries me.)


Happy 2011

Have you had enough?